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compassion
December 2008 
An Exercise in Empathy and Compassion
Posted on Nov 28th, 2007
by 
David
David
Have you ever been in a situation where someone looked miserable, discouraged, mad, or somehow they just annoyed you? Have you then asked yourself, what is their problem or… why can’t they merely enjoy life instead of being such a “downer”? Well, in all honesty, I have (once or twice ;). Whether it’s someone in traffic who is honking and swearing or someone in the market who’s zooming past everyone with an angry look on his or her face, it can be easy for me to fall into judgment about them. The problem though (as if there is only one), is that I’m in no position to judge. I have no idea what’s going on their world. They could be having one of the worst days (or months) of their lives. In fact, there’s even a chance I’ve been that person (once or twice ;) and it’s funny how the perspective changes when the shoe’s on the other foot.
Anyway, this concept really hit home when I was on an airplane a few weeks back. I was sitting next to a woman who looked dismal and barely even acknowledged me, and from my perspective, looked like she could care less that anybody else even existed. I tried to make eye contact and shoot her a smile a couple of times and then decided to read my book. We sat in silence for almost the entire flight and I had forgotten about her for the most part, but there was still something that was troubling me. Why did she have to be so cold, I thought to myself? Why was I getting caught up in it? Again, other personal issues come to mind. Maybe it was my own fear or insecurity or even my projection on how others “should” act towards other people. But this is another story for another time.
Eventually, we began talking. At first it was small talk but the conversation soon shifted… big time. I was shocked and humbled when she shared the devastating news that she had lost her husband unexpectedly a few weeks earlier as a result of a bicycle accident. He had been in a coma for quite some time and she had to make the inconceivably difficult decision to take him off life support (based on his living will). I personally can’t envision many circumstances that would be more challenging to go through than this. Unless, maybe, having to explain to your 6 year old child why her father is no longer with us, which was in fact, another part of her story.
I can’t imagine the pain that she was going through. It is literally outside of my capacity at this point in time. The one thing that I could do was simply to be there with and for her. The result was a connection on a level that I had never before experienced with a complete stranger. We shared tears, fears, smiles, love, and a deep appreciation for life and its fragility. Our conversation affected me in a way that I could never have imagined as we opened up to each other. It pretty much threw me right out of my box! It was a night I won't soon forget.
What I realized, beyond what I just wrote about, was that my inability to get out of my own head sometimes severely shifts my energy and the energy of those around me in a negative way. Having a negative relationship to life (however subtly) causes me to make assumptions about others that may be way off-base, and that sometimes lead me to respond with coldness. The coldness can spread like a subtle disease to those around me, creating walls upon walls upon walls. I see this a lot these days. You know what I’m talking about, right? We are the ones who create it. It’s not them. Them doesn’t exist. We’re in it together and we can change our experience and enrich the lives of those around us just by being open and empathetic. Imagine a world in which everyone's first response to others is from love rather than putting up these walls that keep us from experiencing true connection.
Obviously, this is a pretty extreme example of the experience others are having, but this type of thing is happening around us all of the time, albeit on a lesser scale. Maybe the other person was just fired, dumped, diagnosed with an illness, up all night with their child having nightmares, or is simply having a bad day. I've noticed this can even happen in small, seemingly insignificant situations with friends. I've made assumptions or thought the worst about what's going on with friends and maybe I've even acted on those assumptions. Scary huh? I do this more often than I'd like to think, and I bet I'm not the only one. So I'm asking myself: Why not open up rather than close down? What if I consciously decide to come from a place of not knowing and not assuming? There's really no down side, and I'm much more likely to find what’s real and to connect on a much deeper level... because doing this seems to magically create space for the heart to enter the picture. And, this is a good place to be when choosing to respond... with feminine or masculine compassion.
Imagine moving through the world with the notion that each person we run into could use our help instead of focusing on how their negativity is affecting us. Imagine that we have the power to change their day or even their life. What I realized in a new way from that experience on the plane is that we do. I found that all I have to do is drop my judgment and my assumptions and listen from the heart. It’s actually quite simple and yet, can be one of the most difficult things to do at times.
In love and gratitude…
Access: Public
deeply hitting home!!! thank you for this!
Oh, thank you MsC! You're welcome. I'm glad to know that it's helpful.
Wow, that's beautiful Dave. Thank you for sharing it. It's always important to be reminded that the world is a much bigger place than the space inside our own heads. It's so easy to forget. Life is incredibly dynamic.
And, it's pretty awesome that you had that kind of experience listening to the woman on the plane. You did open up and amazing things happened. I find that's almost always true. When we allow ourselves to have new perspectives and break away from our normal patterns extraordinary things can occur. Life can actually occur, instead of what we assume will or should be happening. I'm going to keep that in mind. Thank you.
Funny you bring this up- was thinking about this on the way home from work yesterday when some angry dude gave me the finger for absolutely no reason. He gave it even harder when I broke out in laughter. It was just so random to me, but as you are saying here– i was likely not the thing that made him angry in the first place–unless he has something against toyotas. haha Seriously tho, i think its interesting to engage and to care, and to help people feel better– I have found priority number one is to continue to view them where they want to be- which is empowered and happy, as we all want to be. I find myself putting my empowerment and happiness first– even if the other person is offended, because if I were to get angry and sad– how could i do anything to help? Those situations are always interesting, and it was nice to read about this one because you two were in such harmony with each other.
Well, that's Love One Another for you. It works every time. True and touching…
Jessica: I love your comment about the space inside of our heads. It is a lot different than what's actually happening in the world. Here's a quote from one of my favorite teachers: “Your consciousness is actually experiencing your mental model of reality, not reality itself.”
You are most welcome!
Dave: Great points! We really can't be of much service to others if we aren't actually in a good space ourselves. It seems to me that when we are happy, centered, and empowered, making others happy is usually a byproduct of that energy… without any additional action. It's contagious! And unfortunately, so is giving the finger… if we're not careful. ;) Fyi, Toyota's are very confrontational looking. :)
Rod: No doubt about it! Thanks.
So awesome buddy. Thanks for sharing!
You remind me that we need compassion, not condemnation. I had my RV's propane tank filled. I fogot my wallet and ran across the road to my RV, parked in an RV park, to get my wallet. I fell down in the middle of the road and skinned my knee on the way back. I paid for the gas loaded the tank in the back of the pickup, backed out, and caved in the side of a guy's car.
I had a similar kind of changing of my unspoken thoughts. I was in line at a Salvation Army store with just one item that I really wanted. My husband was waiting for me and was impatient. He went to the car to wait for me to finish checking out. There where two women in line ahead of me with a basket full of many items and they had three children with them clamoring about.
I thought, “Well I bet they will be all day getting those items checked since the cashier was an older lady and very slow at the register.” I found myself looking at these two mothers and thinking that they looked poor and maybe also not too smart. I know this was a judgment and a bad one, but I was impatient and was in a fault finding mode at that moment. Then it dawned on me what I was doing so I checked myself when I realized how awful it was that I should judge them harshly just because I happened to be in a hurry. I wanted to connect with them somehow in order to undo my unspoken words, which I feel that others actually get on some level. So I said to them, “What beautiful children you have”and I meant it as well. Whereupon they looked at me and smiled, thanked me for my comment and suggested that I go ahead of them because I had only one item and they might take a long while checking their many items. It really pays to be kind in our words to another.
This sort of undertaning is what it will take for the world to be at peace. You just did your part.
Thanks for this touching, heartfelt, and powerful post. These little moments of choice we have every single day really add up to huge impact in the health of our world. In that way, the woman on the plane was an angel for all of us. I am so grateful that you opened to that amazing opportunity for deep connection and then took the time to share it with the rest of us. Much love and blessings….
Beth
David,
thank you for sharing such a beautiful part of your thought process and your story. There were so many responses I didn't want to read them all. No offense to others, it's just that I find myself wanting to savor this little story. And so here we are, in my own thought process.
I see that instead of going into your own heart and mind, you remained receptive to anothers. This is a gift! As a result, you changed someone's life forever! That too is a gift when the change helps the other person. I see that this story will make changes in the thoughts of many others because I know this understanding on a personal level.
When I was a very young impressionable teen, another very young, impressionable person in my life helped me to understand this. It wasn't until later in my life that the memories we built together would help me to see that our short encounter made a very positive difference in my life. I often wonder how different my life would have been had this person not share some of his life with me.
Do we think of the people in our lives that we touch or the ones that touch us?
As a result, I have often thought of those tender memories to help me through some very challenging moments in my life.
And you friend David, opened a channel to our hearts and minds that make us think about how much your caring and short time has helped this sweet lady forever. Thank you. **smiles**
A perfect reminder for me. Right on the mark… it's subtle yet it all starts right here with me not seperating from we. Or rather remembering there simply is no seperation. Thanks for this.
Blessings, David
I am so bowing to your spirit… powerful stuff, I'm glad you managed to make small talk with this woman or you may have left that plane in less a contemplative mood. I struggle to realize how I'm still walking this earth, so many tragedies happen daily, how I have managed to avoid them thus far is beyond me. Your experience is one to be treasured, you connected with a stranger for want of a better word, and that is very rare in this world.
I was driving the other day and stopped in the middle of the road to let an elderly gentlemen walk across the road as he was half way across, well he walked past the side of the car and gave me the coldest of stairs, and as I'm driving away I'm also cursing, who am I to know what was going through his mind, just by the look in his eyes, he may have been going through similar as your lady on the plane… makes you think twice before reacting to things… a phrase I say to myself, “what you project, people reflect” and so it is lets try and let nothing affect our mood, and if we can be loving in any circumstance such negating of life will hold us in good stead surely….
Thank you all for the great feedback. Your comments have made my day. It's an honor to be here with such an amazing group.
Jon - It's my pleasure.
inlink - Compassion indeed. I can't remember a time when giving compassion to another or to myself wasn't helpful.
Diana - Beautiful story! I love it when that happens. These things really do seem to happen more often when we bring that kind of awareness and kindness to a situation.
graham - Dude, you are the living embodiment of what we're talking about here. You never cease to inspire me.
Beth - You have done so much to open me up in this way. I can't thank you enough for all that you have done for me (and everyone around you). You are truly an angel.
Nanny1 - Wow! Thank you so much for your touching words of gratitude and wisdom. I love the example from your teenage years and the recognition of the gifts that this encounter had for you years later. It's funny how some experiences lie dormant and wait patiently for us to discover at the right time. Makes me wonder what's in here right now waiting to help me through challenging times to come. Your words have certainly touched me as well. **smiles** back at you…
HeyOK - You are welcome. Here's to waking up to the illusion of separation.
Brother D - I hear you! It's a miracle that I'm still walking around this amazing planet too. I'm very thankful. Your perspective on the gentleman crossing the road is perfect. I can think of many times that I have had similar negative reactions. Isn't it amazing how strong our emotional responses can be towards someone who is in and out of our lives so quickly? We can be very protective of ourselves and unfortunately these protective reactions can often lead to the spreading of dis-ease. Your phrase is right on! I'm going to continue to strive to project positive energy instead of unconscious reactivity. I can only imagine the potential.
Hi David, I wanted to let you know that this blog entry is the reason I just joined Zaadz a few minutes ago. I actually was performing a google image search and caught part of the text out of the corner of my eye. Over the years I feel like I've been on the other side of that coin more often than not. I grew up with a physically abusive mother and a distant father with a violent temper that just never went past my mother. And although I'm not comparing my challenges to those of Ann Frank, like her I still believe that people are fundamentally good and I've always strived to give back to the community.
I split up with my ex in 2001 and am now $70k in arrears child support ($10k / yr) partly because a boss who fired me lied to the judge and said I had abandoned the job. I've been an extreme workaholic since 2001 because of the child support and having been unable to find any way to change my circumstances, because honestly, if I continue to lose $10k/yr not only will I not retire, I'll probably end up on the street.
However all that happened before I had ever heard the phrase “law of attraction”. I'd heard people say previously that I could change things, but usually only in the “it's your fault” voice… which is totally unhelpful – it just emphasizes the frustration of both of the people involved. There's a very different energy about the way that certain spiritually motivated people such as yourself say that things can change. Instead of coming across as blaming the victim it comes across as empowering. That's an incredible thing.
Within the past year, since I started immersing myself in the “new age” community, I've also discovered that there's a strong probability that I'm autistic (Asperger syndrome). Which explains a lot about my life, like all the jobs that I've lost, mostly to being socially / politically unskilled. The lack of social or political skills is one of the known effects of Aspgerger syndrome and part of the effect of that is that the DSM-IV (the book psychologists use to make their diagnosis) an inability to keep jobs is one of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger syndrome. This is actually good news. And through a series of strange coincidences it looks like I may soon have an official diagnosis which I may be able to use as evidence to convince the state to have a realistic expectation of my earning potential. The issue of losing jobs long term is still there, though I'm hoping perhaps with the diagnosis it may be easier for me to find a solution to that also if my current job turns out the way most of them have.
Anyway, long story short, thank you for your post. :)
Totally right on!
I had the experience the other day of reaching out to a friend who was unhappy and ended up having a wonderful, powerful conversation with him. Afterwards I realized how often I back down from connection because I'm afraid the negativity will affect me, rather than leaning in with love, which almost always leads to a release of good feelings in me.
How backwards we usually are! We are afraid to feel bad by engaging with “negative” people, but when we do, the love we are feeling feels soooo good!
Ike - I'm honored that this post was is the reason that you joined zaadz. You are in for a treat. This community is, by far, the most amazing community I've been a part of (and I swear, I'm not biased :). Your story is an example of the openness and of the amazing people we are likely to meet here. I'm inspired by your willingness to share about the struggles you're facing and by the awareness you have, and are open to about your situation. Many of us would rather not face such inquiry. This is truly the way to empowerment. Thank YOU!
Duff - Excellent point! It is really backwards isn't it? It usually just takes a bit of (apparent) discomfort to push through to something that is much bigger and that does feel soooo good. Right on!
Thanks David, hope you had a great end-year holiday season. :)
Wow. that is *stunning*
what an amazing post, bro.
thx for sharing and thx for being you.
with love and compassion, indeed,
-bri